“…what else does a mother have but a heart that has expanded wide as the universe, and can’t be contained, and so it flows out her eyes.”

This is how I feel so much of the time when I look at my boys.  The gratitude for their being is so overwhelming that my eyes fill up.

I was having a heart to heart with one of my best friends yesterday.  It’s often hard being a Mom.  As Moms, we often give up too much of ourselves.  Especially as a single one, which she is.  It’s also hard to remember how fortunate you are sometimes when you are caught up with having a pity party for yourself, for whatever reason, which we both have been lately.  We are both fortunate for different reasons, but comparatively speaking, very fortunate.

I just finished reading The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver.  It’s one of those beautiful books where the characters are real and gracious and a sobering reminder of our often forgotten fortunes.  I like being reminded of this.  Not because it makes me feel better in comparison.  But because it helps me to be grounded and thankful for what I have.  I have so much to be thankful and grateful for and I want to feel that every day so that I can live each day with the open heart and graciousness that it deserves.

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I can’t remember when I have been so scared.  I was in the living room with the kids and I heard a big crash and my husband yell out.

I ran to the back deck and saw the ladder crashed down and my husband on the ground, screaming out in pain.  His legs had bruises and cuts and blood all over them and he was holding his head.

I ran to the phone and called 911.  Luckily, our upstairs tenant was home.  He’s older and very level headed and he helped me a lot.  He talked to my husband while I spoke to the 911 operator.  By the time the paramedics arrived, my husband was more aware and not yelling out in pain any longer.  I think it scared him because it happened so fast and really knocked the wind out of him since he landed flat on his back.

Also, thankfully, my sister was home and was able to come over to watch our kids while I went to the ER.  We spent much of the afternoon there.  He had lots of X-rays done (ankle, chest, spine, CT scans), checks for internal injuries and received lots of pain meds and a tetanus shot.  Amazingly, nothing was broken.

I am so grateful (words cannot express) that it was not worse.  It could have been much worse for many reasons that frankly, make me nauseous to think about.

He is still sleeping and slept well last night, but he will be hurting A LOT for the next few days, maybe a bit longer.  His legs look the worst, but his back is where the most pain in.

So, no more tall ladders.  I let up this once on my ‘no big ladder rule’ and my fears (that he would fall) were realized.  No more.

It will be safer and cheaper just to hire someone to do those little handy man jobs!  Lord knows how much all of those xrays and pain meds administered in the ER are going to cost either.  Thank goodness for our emergency fund.  Although, I really don’t even care about that.  I will gladly pay whatever bill we get, with thanks and gratitude that he is okay.

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I have written before about gratitude and being grateful for even the little things that I often take for granted.

Today is one of those days where I’m feeling grateful for something more important, my children.

I am one of those fortunate women who did not have to work hard to become pregnant.  With both boys, I was pregnant within a couple months of trying to conceive.  Both pregnancies went pretty much without incident (though there were issues at the end that I might talk about later).  I was even one of those annoying pregnant women who only gained weight in my belly.

I have several friends and family members with fertility issues and babies with health issues.  I know all too well how blessed I am that everything worked seamlessly and that I conceived easily and delivered healthy babies.

Today is one of those days that I realize it even more so.  We have some friends who desperately want to be parents.  They have tried various fertility methods, all without success.  They have since decided to adopt and have been waiting for “their” baby to arrive any day.  He was born last week.  It’s an open adoption, they were there for the birth.  He’s beautiful, perfect.   Their faces as they hold him say it all.

However, now the birthmom is having second thoughts.  They knew this could happen, however it doesn’t make it any easier.  When I saw his sweet little baby face in the photos, I was thinking how on Earth the birth mother could give him up.  Those are reasons and decisions I know nothing about and certainly do not pass judgment at all.  I can only think how incredibly hard it would be, regardless of her reasons.   As a mother, my heart goes out to her.

But, my heart is also hurting for my friends.  My friends who want so desperately to be parents and would be such wonderful ones too.  My friends who hand painted this baby’s room, who named him, who have held him and called him “theirs”.

My heart is breaking for them.  My heart is breaking and is so unbelievably grateful for my own children.  I can’t even begin to put into words what I feel for my children and how full they make my life.  I will always remember a card I received with a shower gift that said simply, “Get ready to meet the love of your life”.  So true.

So, as you hug your kids today, think of those women and men who so desperately want to be doing the same thing, but have not yet been blessed… and be grateful.  I know I will.

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1. My husband is far more patient than I am, thankfully, and will work tirelessly to help get our little one to sleep at night!
2. My babies…our whole family is healthy and happy.
3. I have wonderful family and friends, both near and far.
4. It’s beautiful outside today…Spring has sprung where we are!
5. My little one took a long nap today.
6. Wonderful neighborhood and neighbors.
7. A roof over our heads that also produces income.
8. A great job for hubby that he enjoys and allows me to stay home.
9. A yard that is ripe for gardening – bring it on!
10. I had the opportunity to live here and here.
11. Wonderful parents who gave me a great start in life and who continue to shower me and my family with love.
12. Money in the mail today from some consignment sale proceeds.
13. A son who loves books.
14. A sister who lives near with kids my kids can play with.  So fun!
15. Not being pregnant this year while shopping for spring clothes!
16. I’ve lost most (though not all!) of my baby weight.
17. Did I mention it’s gorgeous outside today!?  I am a hot weather gal!

Hope you all feel lucky as well.   Happy St. Patty’s Day!

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But, it’s the little things that happen on a day to day basis, the ones that often get overlooked, for which I am truly grateful.

I am grateful for my how special and attentive and involved my husband is, both as a partner and father.  He is always there for me.  And our boys.  Thursday night (or early morning rather) he fell asleep on our futon with Little C on him and let me sleep.  Yesterday he also came home early to work from home (we are so lucky he can do that!) because Big D was sick and I needed some help.

I slept much of last night sitting up holding Little C because he would not sleep in his crib.  Hubby relieved me this morning and let me sleep in a bit while he fed the boys their breakfast (which he does many mornings).

I am so grateful for him and I don’t tell him nearly enough.

Whenever I get frustrated with the little things of life (or the big things for that matter) and start to have a little pity party for myself, I often think of my boss and friend from when I was working.  I was forever spoiled for the working world by this man.  He was the best person to work with and for and taught me more about life than I’m sure he ever knew.  He was diagnosed with ALS the year before I left to have my oldest son.  I watched him go from training for a triathlon at 42 to not being able to speak or wash himself or walk or do anything.  Trapped inside inside his own body as his mind remained intact.

He was very pragmatic about the whole thing and he often spoke, in the early days, of how weird it was to no longer have the ability to do little things like simply wash his face because he lost the muscle control to hold water in his hands.  He spoke of how we take these things for granted until we are faced with no longer being able to do them.

To watch him handle that horrible illness with such grace and strength was a lesson to me, and the hundreds of others who knew him, that I will not soon forget.

It has taught me how even the mundane, like spending time folding baskets of laundry, while laughing, with my husband (like we did last night) is a special time.  The smile I get from my son when I give him a cookie or make him laugh is a smile that I will treasure.  The time I spend awake in the middle of the night breastfeeding our baby is fleeting, and a time I will surely miss in a few years.

So, I practice being mindful and grateful and humble, that I am where I am and that I have what I have.  I am healthy and happy and truly blessed.

I hope you feel the same.

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